A small play.  A single, actor extraordinaire  play.  Bright lighting of a summers morning.  A high cliff walk in the Irish countryside for a gentleman.

The stage:
a.  stage rear - blue sky/clouds, small soft hills, countryside, grass, bushes, far away trees, and rock fence rows.

b.  stage front - brown, worn, rutted path/road lined with hedges and small plants.  In the center/front of the road/path, there is an imaginary small, brown, pile. 

c.  main character - 1800's English/Irish gentleman.  Appropriately clothed, floppy hat, cloak, buckles, and walking stick.  The small, brown, pile in the middle of the road/path stops the gentleman from proceeding on this glorious day.  The gentleman, with all his couth and refinery, refuses to give way by walking around the obstacle blocking his path.  Instead, he decides to give the barrier to his progress, a "Lesson in Etiquette" .  And this is how he tells his story, and skirts his true identity.

A lesson in Etiquette…

    Not long ago, I came upon an interesting creature sitting in the middle of a narrow dirt road. I had not a care in the world when I rounded the deep rutted curve of dirt, which could be better described as a wide path. I smiled to myself while thinking, perhaps a trickster or jokester of lore named this dust,  'Pitney's Road' just to bring a smile to travelers much like myself knowing we would be forced to 'attention' because the prankster knew all to well shallow bird baths filled with brown rain water and sprained ankle ruts would cruelly strip us of our 'whimsy' 'no care in the world' attitude in a few miles. The Irish bastard should be 'reamed'.  I'm sure if one was to sit in the tall grass at the precise time the 'stacks' let the workers out, this tiny, insignificant road would take on the appearance of a bicycle slalom teaming with daring factory workers negotiating the treacherous ruts and hairpin blind curves as they return to their waiting wives and warm stew.  As luck would have it, my mellow karma and daydreaming were interrupted by an obstacle on the road. Stripped from me were the scent of flower petals and sea air as I was instantly thrown into a mood of contemplation and scrutiny by the tiny creature. There squatting on the warm earth, not a care in the world, and in apparent ignorance of my presence sat a vermin of the like I have never witnessed before. I felt slightly miffed, slighted in an obvious way. To take a persons 'grace and smile', proper etiquette demands one offer up 'good reason' as payment for such a taking. My good nature hanging by threads, I surmised the tiny creature surely was not bothering anyone. After all, it was motionless and 'heaven be still' may have in fact been dead.  Where upon compassion be upon me.  With the aid of my my companion walking branch, I bent myself for a closer inspection; and upon doing so, the obvious 'flushed' me; for without a doubt, I was looking at its back. Not often do I laugh at myself, but this was special. Furthermore, I was relieved to find the waif was not ignoring me after all;  the tiny gem, simply didn’t see me nor hear my soft gentleman's approach.  No harm done. However, short, tiny,  and squat as it is, a person would have thought an inherent curiosity in it's immediate surroundings, a more prudent approach to longevity. After all, a healthy curiosity of the world and its charms begets the onlooker many rare opportunities to display  respect for much larger, more intelligent creatures like myself.  Also, that same insight would have given it the opportunity to further its position in my graces, by moving to one side of the road or the other!  One must set one's own self up for success.  To my displeasure, the tiny barricade has not witnessed my appearance, and therefore cannot bare witness to my obvious 'station'. Basking in the serenity of the morning sun and oblivious to my presence, the insolent does not see my closed lips give evidence to my compassionate heart and relaxed pace.  Upon self reflection, as gentlemen do, I have to admit, I was insulted the intentional manner it conveys indifference!  I have met many people who’ve displayed similar traits, but never so bold a creature or unerring display as this.  I shall make note of this instance for lively  entertainment at dinner, one cannot be too careful, lest someone finds out and you had not the opportunity to defended your name first.  I finally lowered myself to its' level.  While holding my head close to the ground, I stared at it a few moments and as customary, waited for some semblance of acknowledgement!  As I moved closer, I noticed steam rising from the little fellow.  The sun has crested the cliffs and this morning is slightly warm, so either I made it mad or this creature has, like me,  a warm and tender heart!  I chose to think the latter. Upon closer inspection I also detected a certain degree of heat emanating from his small, delicate torso.  To this day I don’t know if it was my presence that enticed the creature, but when I addressed it and asked for a show of courtesy to step aside, its reply was a rude, disgusting odor that if not respected, would surely produce deadly consequences!  I staggered back on the heels of my boots, brought to the brink of foul and disgusting language, and damn near falling over!  After this flagrant display of arrogance, I was once again summarily ignored; furthermore, this was an arrogant display of contempt!    This vile menace displays   inferiority as if an asset!  Obnoxious behavior and I, being in all manor a gentleman, must let it be!  All-the-while I was trying graciously to strike-up dialog between species, I get an etiquette slap in the face!  The rancorous odor the creature was presently emitting was overpowering. My voice somewhat muffled by my left hand as I covered my nostrils, I wondered, what the hell it was? All be it, my voice muffled, I pleaded with the whelp to surrender the road!  To my disdain, still no reply!  To make things worse, the warmth of its manner was quickly leaving its persona!  There was very little heat emanating from it now; coupled with its’ indignant silence, I felt this insulting waif was implying my presence caused the riff!  To imply I lacked sufficient ranking to earn its favor was another slap!  I am not an aggressive person; however, the idea of this upstart feigning superiority over me, an obvious gentleman one hundred times its size and intellect is proving too much!  I am not a physically aggressive person, but dues need to be paid before I’m treated that way!  Mind you, not because I can, but right is right and I will not put up with insult after silent insult!  This fool has shot volley after volley with its’ silence, and all the while, without a retort of my own!  I thought to myself, “I am bigger than this”,  slow down, don’t play its game.  I told myself, you are the one in control of this situation, fear not!  After all, you are the intellectual here, right?  I could feel a childhood devilish smile growing from the corners of my lips as I silently whispered, I have it!  I will simply pick it up and move it out of the way!  After all, what can it do?  I see no weapons, what can happen?  Using my superior intellect, this small, impertinent creature will learn lessons in strength and etiquette today!  I will accomplish two things.  First, clear my path, and second, prove who the more genteel.  As an added bonus, this tiny creature will finally know who is really in charge!  I am a man of obvious breeding and temperament, and I have inherited responsibility and knowledge that refinement commands one be careful with intellect, generous with patience and compassion!  A great responsibility comes with knowledge and grace and my breeding demands a conscious!  Heraldry cannot be wielded like a sword; smiting the helpless and ignorant garners favor from no one.  And as in this case, one must also be careful not to alienate the subject of the lesson from the teacher.  Manners being paramount, one must use grace and compassion when teaching by example.  It is sometimes better to loose an argument with grace than to win by mediocrity and white knuckles! Insomuch, I took a large leaf off a nearby bush and ever-so-gently slid the massive leaf under the offending creature; all the while, smiling in a pleasing manner so as not to offend.  I’m happy to say there wasn’t a struggle and my act was worthy of an ovation.   As I whisked the small creature to the side of the path and gently set it down, I didn’t gloat, I should have, but I didn't!  Instead, and in a consoling tone, I said “there, there, now that wasn’t so bad, was it?  Why I expected a reply is beyond me, yet I swear the little fellow smiled!  Finally, acknowledgement, I became almost giddy!  I must be getting through!  For a moment, I thought inroads in civility had been made.  Moments later however, my gracious intentions were soiled by the creatures instinctive defenses; the shear intensity and release of its invisible odor permeated the breathable air around us.  My stomach started to convulse and I almost wet myself!  I’m sure this is simply some kind of crude, impulse defense mechanism.  Not harmful in a physical way, yet terribly obnoxious to the senses.   With my stomach convulsing, and puke working its’ way up my esophagus, it was all I could do to remain erect and not drop to my knees and vomit!  The stench was overpowering!  A person with a weak stomach might have lost all composure!  My years of breeding won through!  I being the constant gentleman, fought the urge and won! While moving the creature, I accidentally touched one of it’s’ arms and came away with an odorous secretion which I quickly wiped off; however,  its acidic bile had already permeated my skin and left a brown stain!  No physical pain was noticed, just a slight tingling, yet I feel the lingering, rancid odor will have to wear off!  I now understand why these soft, un-aggressive creatures have no natural enemies.  Alas, I feel it is I who has come out the better for this untactful confrontation.  I’m sure my point has been made!  I hope my efforts and well intentioned lesson in etiquette helps this docile, little fellow to avoid future confrontations between it and other creatures living in the environment we share.  I feel good about taking the time to show by example and not fly off the handle like some I know. I bask in the solace I have remained a genteel through the whole, unfortunate episode.  Who knows, the small creature may have been hurt, had a cur happened along instead of a gentleman like me, the beads and cross would have come out! Knowledge is ‘key’, and must be controlled by the bearer.  There is no excuse for bad manners, regardless of enticement or goading.  Again, I feel my obvious cultural superiority has prevailed; and furthermore, feel I have represented my betters in exquisite grace.  Enough said.

    For lack of a better word, I will call this creature “fresh pile of warm dog shit”.  RJ  

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